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02 October 2017 @ 10:14 am
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8 months
26 September 2017 @ 01:37 am
Today was a routine OB appointment and a group strep b test and to my surprise my blood pressure was extremely high and they found protein in my urine. They sent me to labor and delivery right away at st Mary's hospital. I came home and packed a bag for myself and possibly the baby and we headed to the hospital. They charged for parking, tacky I thought to myself. Upon arriving they had me sign some forms and as soon as I was in the system they had me change into a gown and started to monitor the babies heartbeat and my blood pressure. They took a urine sample and it came out normal and my blood pressure was reading normal. I was so grateful for that because they said if I didn't stabalize I'd need to give birth right away.

I felt scared for a multitude of reasons. I mean, I'm not ready for her yet... I was scared to be induced or have a c section. I barely toured little company of Mary the day before. Overall, I liked the vibe of labor and delivery there but at st Mary's it felt weird to me. I can't explain it but my husband and I didn't like it much.

I'm so grateful I was able to come home. I'm definitely going to be monitoring my diet from here on out. I need to eat better and do better for myself and the baby. She's just fine and her heart beat is strong. I'm looking forward to meeting her soon. I seriously already love her and can't wait to kiss her.

He's asked me for a son as well but he's giving me time to get into shape and feel better before we go down that road. I'm thinking I'll be pregnant when I'm 37. That's a good two year difference and we should be in New England by then.

I hope this mother stuff comes natural for me 😊
14 September 2017 @ 09:42 pm

Not too much longer now. 6 weeks and 5 days is what the app says. I want to deliver at little company of Mary in Torrance. If everything goes normal I'll just go there when it's time to deliver the baby. No need to deliver locally if I don't have to. A lot of people have warned me about stretch marks and my body being ruined from baring children but I always laugh about it. I have a lot of loose skin anyway from losing and gaining weight over the years and I don't give a shit. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone that doesn't already know the situation.

Planning my baby shower at my moms has been a bit of a pain in the ass. Her budget is 100.00 for the whole thing. Doesn't really make sense to me. My friends are coming together to do a potluck type thing so there's plenty of food. I feel restless at this point she's being so fruegal. My money is tied up in a car note, insurance and paying rent here. I eat with Snap and wic checks. I can't even put in a dime.

I've been kinda stressed but I'm trying not to let anything get to me. There have been countless people I wish I could rip a new asshole into. But I'm staying calm for the baby. Gotta keep my blood pressure good.

Being bald in so cal is nice. With how hot it's been it's a relief to not have hair to deal with. I get compliments a lot. My lactating consultant from wic wasn't sure why I was bald. She probed enough for me to talk about my hair loss. People think a lot of things about why I'm bald. Some people think I have cancer , some people think I'm a skin head or a lesbian, I tell them it's alopecia if they ask. I enjoy a nice clean bic too. I love to feel how smooth my head is after a good shave. But for the most part I just buzz it.
I hardly wear wigs to be honest. I'm more comfortable this way.

I'm so tired and horny. What a weird combination. They fail to mention when you're pregnant your hormones are insane and you want sex a lot. It's the weirdest thing.
I feel about the size of a house but I'm still frisky :/

06 September 2017 @ 10:57 pm

Due in 8 weeks and I'm scared. I'm the kinda person that gets scared to get her blood pressure taken. I don't even know where I'll muster the courage to deliver a baby. I'm freaked out. This is the part I wish I could fast forward to make sure I survive ok. We got to redo our 4d ultrasound. We got clearer images this time. She looks a lot like her daddy. I hope there's a few features of mine in there. It looks like she has big lips. Maybe my bottom lip and his top lip. It was so weird to see her face. I thought if I saw her I'd instantly recognize her like "ooh there she is! The little girl I've been dreaming about" but that didn't happen.

I have a list of names for her and I can't seem to narrow it down. On certain days I say Alice, then I say Valentina, then it's Ella, then it's Celine. I like more earthy names too like autumn or willow. I sure hope I can decide.

Baby shower is in October. I hope we meet our needs. I'm not opposed to second hand items from shoppers selling on Facebook market or Craigslist. I'm just anxious we won't have it together by then.

The job situation looks so grim right now. I know California is notorious for struggling to find a decent gig but I feel like it's worse now. Everything is part time and there's never enough hours. Stressed isn't really the word for how I'm feeling. I'm just ready to gtfo out of here.

I'm grateful we missed the hurricane by a month but being back here hasn't been ideal nor welcoming. I'm just ready to move on.

23 August 2017 @ 04:11 am
Couldn't sleep so I went to shave my head again and shower. I have been napping here and there. I find myself dozing off so easily lately. One of my apps says that's normal in my third trimester. I'm 30 weeks and a day today. I can't believe how fast this has gone. I usually hear women complaining they feel like they've been pregnant forever but for me it feels like it just happened yesterday.

We had a 4d HD live ultrasound last weekend and she wasn't cooperating very well. She kept hiding her face and chewing her fingers and had her butt facing the camera. From what we could see she looks like my husband. I can't completely tell. they're bringing me back this weekend to try it again. I honestly don't think she was very awake yet. She's usually alert around 1pm just like her mommy 😂

Yep, my sleeping schedule doesn't get better as I get older. I have managed to get up in the morning as needed but for the most part I turn back to my bed as soon as possible.
Being back in California is weird as fuck. I can't explain it but when I go revisit a place I used to hang at or frequent I feel weird. Almost as if I am remembering a past life. I'm happy to say KROQ hasn't changed. They're still playing the same music I used to love my entire teenage life.

I've been spending more time in Torrance at my moms because she gave me a key. The weather is so much better in the South Bay. My sister takes us to redondo beach and hermosa beach a lot. There's so many restaurants and bars and activities. Being close to the beach again is nice. I haven't physically gone yet but the breeze carries and it's a good feeling.

I'm still waiting to see what's going to happen with my moms situation. She's supposed to be getting a divorce but she is such a pussy she makes excuses to let him stay. Meanwhile he is fucking his co worker and bragging about it to her. I can't believe she's fighting over a man that's a piece of shit. It makes me embarrassed for her.
We've already discussed moving in and helping with the mortgage if he leaves. I'm just hoping she'll follow through.

I'm not thrilled where I'm living right now and it's a huge change from having my own place. I'd be a lot more comfortable in Torrance. If it doesn't end up happening the New England plan is still the outcome.

I'm grateful for the prenatal care I've been getting. It's so weird to see this baby inside of me. I can't get over it sometimes. I'm going to be someone's mom! I don't feel like a typical mom type person. I certainly don't look like one. I wish there was a group of unconventional looking moms I could get to know and talk to.

The bigger I get the more I waddle. Sex is hard too. I still want it non stop. My hormones are insane right now. He can't keep up with me right now 🤣

Overall things are ok. I was hoping after showering and shaving my head I'd feel a little tired atleast but I'm wide awake. I hope this isn't a new trend because I sure do need my sleep.
I realize after I give birth I'm going to become a permanent baby sitter. I'll be up often feeding her and taking care of her and I'm going to be exhausted for a while. My life's going to change completely.... but!!! Not yet. For now, I can still be lazy.

19 July 2017 @ 01:16 pm
12 July 2017 @ 02:57 pm
19 June 2017 @ 09:12 pm

8 days left till we leave Houston. Manny has been off of work for this entire month. He was hit in the back with a commercial kitchen freezer door and is on workmans comp. it's been nice to have him home after years of weird scheduling we have dealt with here. Due to the delay on paperwork and MRI approval via his boss everything has been pushed back. He was supposed to return to work this week but he actually may not return at all before the move. If he does he may likely only be back for a few days before we're gone for good.

Dealing with my family again is not going to be easy but I need help with medical care and Houstons income limitations on Medicare make it impossible to qualify. Anyway it's only temporary, I must make the best of it and just get through this last chapter of my pregnancy. We make sacrifices for our children after all. I'm no stranger to sacrifices in general.. but this is especially sacrificial because of how they have treated me for so long. I won't feel safe until I can leave for New Hampshire but it'll give us a chance to save up. Los Angeles is no place to raise a family and it is no place for me. Maybe on the outside I look like a wild person but I'm quite reserved on the inside. I heard my cousin that doesn't get along with me is trying hard to get pregnant now that I'm pregnant. That is super weird to me. This isn't a competition.

Anyway, this wasn't intentional. I always wanted it to happen when it was supposed to. I didn't want to plan this. I guess I got what I wanted. Still, I have so many nerves about being a new mom. I'm a logical person and I'm smart and I've retained a lot of knowledge over the years. I'm confident I can do this. Still, I know this is going to change my life completely and I hope it helps me to evolve into the next phase of my life and turns me into the woman I'm meant to be.

I have felt more flutters lately, I feel her move more, my stomach quivers, it's the strangest thing! I'm glad I'm not doing this alone. I was sad for a while that I was always alone.

My only friend here in Houston, my supposed best friend just bailed on me as soon as she found out I was pregnant and offered to help me pay for my dogs surgery for his tumor. I never asked her for help, she wanted to do a nice thing and then when it came time to give me the money to schedule the appointment she just became unavailable and distant. People are so funny. Can't figure them out at all. She did a similar disappearing act shortly after I first moved to Houston when she offered to help us get on our feet. She claimed she purposely started a fight with me so she wouldn't have to help us like she promised. Relocating to another state to be near someone and they just flake on you, real nice, right? Awesome person. Despite her flipping out like a manic alcoholic I still forgave her and rekindled a friendship with her. Sure, when she needed something it was cool for me to be there for her but she could never reciprocate that. Shame on me for trusting Kristy ever. Befriending an alcoholic with a severe personality disorder was my mistake. Never fucking again will I deal with that shit.

I'm so done with her bullshit. She put me through enough. I'm glad I'll never see her again.
08 June 2017 @ 12:04 am

Dear little one,

I hope you're doing well in there. I have a big tummy for you to be comfy in and I've been taking it easy for you too. It's true I was depressed and stressed in the beginning because everything was just going horribly wrong with lack of healthcare and being so lonely while daddy works all the time. Friends abandoning me because I suddenly became pregnant, but now? Things are looking up. I can only pray you're excited to see me too. I'm going to take lots of pictures of you. You'll probably be annoyed but it's something I love to do. I can't wait to smell your skin and give you kisses. I've always wanted a family of my own. I'm so glad I finally have the opportunity to be a mommy. I've learned what not to do with all the heartbreak I've experienced with my own parents. I also read a lot online about what to do and what not to do. I hope you'll be happy with me as your mommy. The truth is I'm scared, but if I can get past the birth and delivery I feel like I've got it from there. I love you little one.

01 June 2017 @ 05:27 pm
I am on another adventure yet again! But I'm looking forward to this one because I finally get to leave this place. at the end of the month I'll be gone and I'll never return to Texas. Texas was a waste of 3 years of my life and a horrible place to live. I'm glad this is the end. I've endured enough here. This weather fucking sucks too. Fuck this weather