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27 February 2017 @ 02:53 am

And then life took an unexpected turn as of yesterday


29 December 2016 @ 03:32 pm
The new year is upon us. I don't care much for resolutions but I hope I take more action in my life to achieve positive things. I've been jobless since March by choice and it's time for me to get back on the bandwagon. I have to save up my paychecks to secure a downpayment on a home or towards a goal in that type of direction.

I'm excited about it and I truly hope we don't stay in Texas. This past year has been filled with challenges for me emotionally and I have felt extremely drained and untrusting for the majority of the 2016 year.

The best thing about this year was losing 100 lbs and I adopted a new dog from the local animal shelter. She's a chihuahua mix and she's about 3 years old. They named her Cricket at the shelter and we renamed her Bella. She's the perfect little dog. She loves to go everywhere with me. She jumps in my purse, she's potty trained and she never leaves my side. When I am able I'm going to register her as an emotional support dog because she really helps me with my anxiety when I go to the store and I don't feel so alone with her with me.

She's a great little companion. I started to buy her little dresses from Ross and I'm going to learn how to sew some clothes for her as well :-)

2016 was also the year I decided to shave my head due to alopecia. After dealing with super thin hair coming out in chunks from the stress my family put on me while I lived with them I made the decision to go bald and it has been one of the most freeing decisions I ever made.
I have wigs for occasions but overall I mostly go bald every day. I never thought I'd feel confident without any hair but people have said I look great bald and I have also inspired some people who have felt self-conscious about hair loss. Hair loss can be devastating in women. I was worried about my husband thinking I was unattractive. For the longest time I wore extensions and kept my hair long because he liked longer hair on women. I was expecting the worst but he responded really supportively and I'm grateful for that.

Well, here's to a better year and may I complain less and achieve more. Here's to the possibility of an exciting future and possibly finally starting a family. Also, to leaving unsupportive people in my past where they belong and finding good people to surround myself with.


25 November 2016 @ 04:18 pm
So I was right to be nervous about my California trip. The truth is, it was awful. I didn't spend a dime which was great but every other aspect of it was not so good.
There was a lot of drama and when I got back home I even had issues with my husband the first few weeks back. He was angry I went even though he encouraged me to go.

He felt overwhelmed while I was away because he had to do everything on his own and he's used to just cooking while I take care of the house. I guess he realized I do more then he thought. Hell, even I didn't think I made that much of a difference but I do.

I clean up, walk the dogs, pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, prepare his lunches for work, make sure everything is taken care of basically.
I don't even know when I fell into that roll I guess it just happens when you're unemployed.

I'm glad we worked through what we were dealing with but it wasn't fun. Everything really piled up on me emotionally and I honestly felt like leaving.

My sister and I got into a big fight due to her attitude while I was there. I've come to the realization she just doesn't get it. She doesn't get anything. She's not mentally mature enough to understand that people suffer from internal things. She shows gratitude with money but has zero patience otherwise. I was disappointed in her behavior and taken back. It has put a huge strain on our relationship and I no longer feel like I can trust her.
Sadly, she will now be kept at arms length in the same way I have to keep other family members in my life.

I'm disappointed in people in general, specifically family. I've come to realize that as an adult you have to create your own family. I'm scared in a way to start my own family because I'm scared that things wont feel different. Traditions used to feel so magical and parents instill traditions and celebrations for their kids but do parents actually feel the magic? or is that simply something that kids feel? Is this reality?

I have always felt like I'm watching a story play out without actually feeling like I'm a part of it (sort of) and is it normal that I never feel like my homes are mine? For instance, when I was younger I felt like my room was my room. Now as an adult I realize that stability is an illusion. I rent an apartment but I don't own it and there's no guarantee I'll be here for a length of time. Anything can happen. When the day comes I'll own a home, I won't actually own it. There's still a mortgage. I think I'd only truly feel safe if my home was completely paid for. Will that ever happen for me?

Financial stability is so important to me and I have never experienced it. I live in constant fear I'll lose everything. I'm actually tired of fear. I need to relax and yet every experience that has lead me here has regretfully made me this paranoid person.

I thought life lessons were good for you. I thought that they were supposed to make you stronger and better but I feel crippled by everything instead.

I legitimately feel victimized by everyone and I hate it.
I used to see myself as a strong person but I no longer feel I am.
I feel pathetic instead.

I just hope I can work through this. I know I need therapy. I don't want drugs pushed on me I just want to work through my issues.

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Current Mood: sadsad
04 October 2016 @ 03:44 am
It's 3:00 am and I'm realizing how less and less I'm actually posting in here. Pretty lame. That wasn't the deal.

Halloween is coming up and of course I'm broke. One of my favorite holidays! and I am going to have to improvise how I actually celebrate it.
My trip to California is coming up on the 16th. I'm extremely nervous to leave my home for 9 days. I'll pretty much be in a super uncomfortable situation staying at my mom's house because she'll be recovering from knee surgery and apparently my step dad is cheating on her.

Says he has a girlfriend and they are having sex. Yes, he actually told my mother that.
To be honest, I'm really upset with her. I'm upset that she won't leave him no matter how much of an asshole he is or what he does to her. He actually told her he wanted to leave her and she's acting like she needs him.

She could lawyer up and take him for everything he has. I don't quite understand the inner dilemma here.
So I feel like I lose respect for her every time I hear these things.
I just don't understand why she acts so helpless. She chooses such horrible relationships for herself. Men that do not love her, respect her, treat her nicely. It's so confusing why she has no self respect.

I'm honestly in disbelief.
So I have to spend 9 awkward days with her and pretend I don't know the tea. Unless she mentions it. But even then I'm not even sure I'd want to talk about it because I'm so upset about it.

When he was abusive to me and my brother and sister she should have left him THEN. but she chose to stay and make our lives pretty fucking miserable. That's why I left so young.
She's made a lot of mistakes in her life and he was the biggest one. Even Tina turner eventually stood up for herself.

Is there hope for my mother? Is it better to be in a miserable relationship then to be alone? I would think being alone would feel better. Atleast she'd have a chance to spend the rest of her years with someone that actually cares for her.

After I get back from my trip I'll be looking for a job. It's time for me to get serious because I need to start saving money to move away from this town. I'll have till november of next year which should be a good enough time to save. Although the idea of moving during winter doesn't sound very fun..
I may have to leave earlier. I dont want to live here longer then I have to and extending my lease sounds shitty.

I can't wait to breathe fresh air. My lungs are all fucked up from this humidity.

People bring up my move to New Hampshire and say negative things all the time. I'm so sick of it. I like the idea of being closer to New York and Maine and Massachusetts and Vermont. I'm looking forward to starting a family. I want it to be in a safe part of the United states.
I would never want to have a kid here. This place is full of crime, the Law is bullshit here.
I couldn't hate this place more if I tried. LOL

I have a few friends around where Im moving so Im excited to connect with them.
For the first time in a long time I'm excited about something.
I am no longer accepting other peoples doubts and opinions about my life decisions. I'm going to shut them down immediately. It's none of their fucking business what I do with my life.
People are overstepping at this point.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
14 September 2016 @ 03:07 am
27 July 2016 @ 04:57 am
maybe it's that I'm on my period and this one has been really bad compared to the other months. It hit me hard this time. Yesterday I spent almost an entire day writhing around in pain despite taking medicine and plopping myself in the shower trying to find an sense of relief from the hot water hitting my stomach.

My sleep is thrown off again. I hate my apartment. I never realized how much I loved my other one. It was so much bigger and spacious. I feel cramped and mushed into one room. My couch is extremely uncomfortable so after a while I feel compelled to just come lay in bed. It's softer.

Still no sign of a raise for manny. In fact, he doubts it's even going to happen now because of how they've handled it. He's almost been there 6 months now.

I hate to blame all this on a state but Texas has been stagnant to me. Everything about it has been weird and I am riding a wave of depression. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't say I regret coming here because I had no other choice but I am in a dark place right now and I am not sure how to pull myself out of this.

Manny hates his job and wishes he could be home more. I feel like I need To step up and get a job and overcome my anxiety. More then anything I'm mad that my last job experience kinda fucked me up mentally like this.

I thought I was stronger. I don't know why I was ever meant to work there. It's not like it enriched my life in any way.

Being broke all the time probably isn't helping my case. I mean, usually money buys me a distraction. So I go out and buy things, look at things to get me through it. I just realized it's been quite some time since I've forced myself outside the house for some groceries.

this needs to stop. I need to change.
This is not healthy at all. Wtf am I doing anymore
16 July 2016 @ 10:30 am
It looks like I'll be taking a trip to my hometown in October. My mom and sister are going to split the cost. I told them that I'd rein-burst them if I get a job by then and can pay them back.

I must get over my fears and get on that plane. I imagine I have to get used to flying since I'm planning on moving so far and will need to make periodic visits.
Manny isn't sore about the trip. He just made me promise to bring him back Veggie Grill. LOL.

I'll probably be gone a week and as stupid as this might sound it will keep me from cheating on my diet up until then because I'll want to lose as much as possible before my trip.
Maybe it doesn't make sense but I want my family to be impressed and I want my grandma to acknowledge my weight loss. One of the things that has always gotten to me is when people tell me "Keep up the good work!" as if I'm not there yet or not good enough where I am.

I'm sure to them that's just encouragement but to me, it's always sounded like a backhanded compliment. That might seem weird? I'm not sure if I'm just being self conscious.

It would be great if I could book a few shoots while I'm there to re-cooperate my trip and possibly bring some money back with me but I'm not sure I'd feel up to working while I'm there.

I'm excited but also nervous. If I have to stay at my mom's house I have to deal with my step dad and if I stay at my grandma's I have to deal with my uncle mario possibly popping in and upsetting me since he was one of the people that treated me so badly when I lived there. He always got physical with me and actually tried to fight me the last incident we had over something so stupid!!!!!!!!!!! He is the drug addict loser in the family.

I have several people that have said they want to see me and hang out with me but I'm not sure how up to it I'll be feeling. This trip might be overwhelming for me. It might bring up alot of regurgitated emotions and I just hope it'll be positive.

I don't like the idea of being away from Manny or my doggies for a whole week. I'll miss them greatly.

Manny and I spoke last night about our move and I've read it isn't recommended to move to the East during winter time. It just so happens that our lease is up in November so we may have to pay rent here in advance for October and leave the apartment empty for that month and leave early. The advantages are (We get to experience a genuine fall) the disadvantage is Kristy and I won't get another Halloween. So we'll have to make the best out of this one if we can help it. (Due to the Anne Rice ball) I don't really know where that leaves us.

My doubtful mind is saying (what if jobs are hard to come by? what if you end up making a mistake and you have a hard time?) I need to tell myself that it won't be that way and it'll be the best thing I could have ever done. Still, moving somewhere you've never been before is a bit nerve wrecking. But if I could take a risk moving here I'm sure I can do the same elsewhere.

I woke up early today so I have the whole day ahead of me. I'll probably be going to Salvation Army today since it's 50% off day.

I miss you hypertextgirl I know Mike is off and you'll be busy this weekend but I hope we can see each other soon.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
15 July 2016 @ 12:50 am
This is a "thing". I never knew this. A lot of people don't know that I love Christmas almost as much as I love Halloween! I'm particularly fond of cheesy Hallmark special movies involving Holiday themes and romance :-)

The Hallmark channel has been playing Christmas movies all week and I'm enjoying it very much. I just wish it wasn't so fucking hot and humid. The illusion gets ruined when I go outside.

I made an instagram for my weightloss and connecting with other people on HCG or dieting and weightloss in general. I added you Kristy if you see it. I don't feel so weird posting progress images now. I'm tired of the haters and I feel like they think I'm bragging and it's all around making me feel uncomfortable. I don't like making multiple social media accounts because it's hard to keep track of sometimes but if I have an account strictly with friends that are also dieting and losing weight maybe it'll help me stay motivated.

My mom is having knee replacement surgery in November and she wants me to come visit before she does. She said she'd send me money to pay for my flight and I thought that was really nice of her. I just need to find a flight date and I think Spirit is the cheapest way to go about it.
I don't want to stay for more then 4 days though. I know that might sound weird but the idea of Manny being here while I'm gone makes me feel weird. He's my pacifier :/
and I'll miss my babies too.

With all the terrorist attacks going on lately in the world it makes me super nervous to fly. I know I have to get over my fear. I have never flown alone :/
13 July 2016 @ 09:49 am
Aside from feeling constipated today I think I'm doing well today. My willpower is still strong. I want to finish this off on a good note.

The issue I've been having is my laziness. I am not motivated to do much of anything these days. Even walking my dogs I'm just like, meh! because the weather is awful and I would rather stay cool in the apartment. I'm at that point where my days blur into each other again and I'm trying to find motivation.

I need to start looking for a job and just the thought of having to be fake at an interview, vamp up my resume and go through the inevitable is a draining idea. I really don't know how to deal with all this anymore. I seriously dislike people very much and there's nothing out there for me I feel will make me feel happy and fulfilled to do.

If I don't get a job we can't pay our car payments or insurance. I don't even want to go there. I feel defeated before even beginning. But I must force myself out of this shit. Somehow.
I am thinking of trying something different then an office job. Something like working at Michael's craft store or Kroger. I don't know. I just want to try something different that doesn't involve the pressures I normally face.

I've never been particularly fond of retail but I'm not fond of office politics either.

I woke up at 4am today. I went to bed around 10:30pm so I think my body had enough sleep by that point.

Manny's work is starting to make it mandatory nobody does overtime and sticks to their schedule. If his hours get cut I'm going to lose my shit. Also, still no raise. They are lagging with it.

He feels angry like they don't appreciate him enough to honor what they promised and if he had an opportunity to quit he would but there's no one else hiring at the moment that would pay him what he needs to earn to keep us afloat so he's stuck for now.
I feel upset when people take advantage.

This post sounds so complainey haha, sorry.

To add something positive here-

I can't stop thinking about New Hampshire. I've created a pinterest board to keep tabs on everything to explore and do once I'm there. If I could leave sooner I would. It's just so beautiful.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
12 July 2016 @ 06:01 am
I thought it was just fine! Honestly would have been funner without the husbands aka wallflowers sitting in the corner on their cellphones bored as hell while we walked around trying to get into the groove of things. LOL.

Manny admitted later he was having a difficult time not buying a drink to calm his nerves and enjoy the atmosphere. He assured me later it wasn't that he didn't like clubs he just didn't like the calorie restriction and he's basically been throwing a fit daily about cheating on the diet. I gave him the option to opt out early but he decided to stay on it this last week with me. It's a mental thing. It's hard. He works at a bakery and they sell all kinds of breads, and goodies and bagels and he can't ever have any of it. But he forgets his pattern. After only a mere two to three weeks into being off the drops he's already asking when we're starting the next round because he starts to gain again and gets nervous.

It's a vicious cycle. For me personally? I just want to see him succeed because it means a lot to him to be fit and thin. It's wonderful to see him with confidence. I'm still proud of him nomatter what.

It's bittersweet for me. The weightloss slows and haults in the next phase and if not careful it'll come back quick. It's normal to gain 1-2 lbs to stabilize but anything more requires a correction day and it will come back off. I'm going to be extremely good this time around so I don't gain like I did last time. And I will even try to lose a bit more if I can.

Yesterday morning I weighed in at 237.2 and I'm officially going down! I really hope I meet my goal before it's over.

I know once I hit 199 lbs it's going to be so surreal for me. It's funny how people voice their opinions about my goal weight. "Don't get too skinny!" like, wtf? it's my body and I'm pretty sure I know what's best for ME. Thanks for your input but I didn't ask you. (that's what I wish I could say)

People are funny with weight loss. Some of them doubt your abilities to lose, others criticize the amount you want to lose. I just want to fit into normal clothes, I want to have energy and feel good about myself. I'm tired of people throwing in their 2 cents.
And I know the more weight I lose the more I'm going to get some of my plus size friends giving me shit about it.

As it stands right now, from the outside looking in - I look like a confident plus sized girl. People seem to be attracted to that energy. Good for them. I'm not trying to stay plus sized and i'm not happy being categorized as plus sized. I just want to be a healthy range.
I'm not opposed to people being excited I bring that confident plus size energy so long as they realize it's not forever I'll be fat.

I am personally attracted to weight loss journey's on instagram. It's very motivating to me and I hope I can motivate others when I reach my goal. I don't even bother to mention what diet I'm doing anymore. I don't want to open up a can of worms where they judge me for that too. I'm tired of always defending myself. hahaha

Yesterday wasn't too eventful for me. I took a trip to Michael's to see what halloween stuff they have. They are already setting up fall decor. I heard that Hobby Lobby has stuff too. I don't have room or money to decorate this year but it's still fun to look at.

I'm so excited for the fall! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Manny and I are planning costumes already. I think I'm going to be Winifred Sanderson

and Manny is going to be

and the story goes as such

This is just one idea, we usually like to plan multiple costumes! haha
I'm excited. I'm never usually a specific character. Usually I'm just like a generic zombie or something.

And just in case you are wondering hypertextgirl I believe we will get two halloween's before I move :-)
Current Mood: sillysilly